


And I love her

by ThousandStarsOfLove



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-14 13:44:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13591302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThousandStarsOfLove/pseuds/ThousandStarsOfLove
Summary: I used to feel empty most of the time and I didn’t need someone like me. I needed your happiness and your strength. I needed you: sweet, caring you. With your beautiful heart, and your passion for life.





	1. Unexpected

_It's the unexpected that changes our lives forever. - Shonda Rhimes_

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You know, I was a happy kid growing up. I had a nice home and a wonderful family, my mom was a surgeon and I didn't see her that often but she was great whenever she was home, and my dad, he was the coolest dad, the funniest, most incredible dad and most importantly, he was my best friend in the entire world.

I had so many things to be thankful for at that point. My relationship with my parents was great, I had awesome friends, and my boyfriend Wells was the sweetest boy ever. I was at that point in my life where I just had so many dreams for the future. I wanted to go to college to become a doctor like my mom, and I wanted to travel and help people all around the world. After doing all that, I wanted to come back, get a nice house close to my parents, marry the love of my life and have a beautiful family. I wanted so many things, and I had so many plans. All of that went to shit when I lost my dad.

He died in a car accident when I was 15 and it changed everything. My mom got incredibly depressed, she started working more and I would only see her a couple of hours a week. She disappeared, it just felt like I lost her, too. She was not my mom anymore. I wasn't her daughter either, I didn't even feel like a person, I felt dead inside. I had lost the person I loved the most and with it, I lost myself too.

I stopped caring about school, my grades starting dropping and by the time I realized that it would be impossible to go to college with those grades, it was too late to do anything. I pushed my friends away and I broke up with Wells. I became detached from everyone and everything around me. I stopped caring and after a while, everyone else stopped caring as well.

I was so sad and angry. I was very depressed and I didn’t know how to feel better, I wanted to stop feeling the pain. I worked so hard to stop feeling anything and after a couple of months it started working, I stopped feeling sad and I started feeling empty. I became a ghost. I started going to class and actually caring about my grades again, I knew that there was no way that the college I always dreamed about going was going to accept me but at that point, the only thing I wanted was to graduate high school and get the hell away from everyone I knew. I focused all my time in school, I didn’t go out, I didn’t try to get my friends back. I didn’t want to love anyone anymore because I knew how much losing someone you love could hurt.

One day I was so stressed about an exam that I knew I needed to do something about it or I would fail and I couldn’t afford to fail anything else. I decided that the best way to relieve stress was to get laid. I’ve always considered myself a very sexual person and it had been more than a year since the last time I had sex.

This is how, a week before my 17th birthday, I found myself going to a party with the best pair of jeans I owned and a shirt that made my cleavage look particularly inviting. I got completely wasted and I had sex with a nameless guy and for those minutes I stopped feeling that emptiness, I didn’t feel stressed or numb, I felt good for the first time since I lost my dad. Having sex became my coping mechanism. I don’t even know how many guys and girls I let into my body, I lost count after a while. I don’t know why but being desired became my obsession, I needed people to want me in order to feel alive.

I stopped looking for random people and chose two fuck buddies, I wasn’t stupid and I knew that fucking someone new (sometimes more than one) every day was a recipe for disaster. Having my regulars was less dangerous.

First, there was Finn, he was a couple months older than me and had just started college. He was using me to forget about his longtime girlfriend back home and I was using him to feel less like a zombie and more like a person. Then there was Niylah, she was a beautiful 20-year-old girl I met through Finn. She was sweet, loving and kind. She wanted to be with me but I was too fucked up for her. I knew that she loved me and that I was hurting her every time I went for sex and left her as soon as I got what I needed but I couldn’t make myself stop. I needed her body and her feelings for me so much. I was selfish and stupid and I regret hurting her more than anything but it was the only way I had to survive. The saddest thing was that I knew that in another life we could have been so good together.

Finn was nothing more than a sex toy and he knew it, he didn’t care as long as he was getting laid regularly but Niylah was a different story, she was so much more than that. She became my friend. I wasn't in love with her because I don't think my heart was capable of being in love with anyone at that point but I started caring for her. I didn’t need to have sex with her to feel loved, I started enjoying her company, talking to her, just being near her. She made me laugh, genuinely laugh, for the first time since I lost my dad, she made me feel safe and good and even though I was far from being okay, I started feeling hopeful about getting better.

But I was still selfish and stupid and I didn’t stop hurting her. One night, I was laying in bed next to her and she asked me to stop seeing Finn and to give her a chance.

“You know that I can’t, I’m sorry.” I stood up and started picking up my clothes, once I was dressed I turned around to face her. “Same time tomorrow?” 

“I don't think I can keep doing this.” She said as she was standing up and gathering her clothes.

“What do you mean?” I grabbed her hand to stop her, making her look at me.

“I just... I can’t do this anymore Clarke. I’ve tried to wait for you but I don’t know what else to do, I love you so much but being with you is hurting me more than anything. I think it’s time to start thinking about myself.” She finished getting dressed and got out of her room.

I followed her to the living room where she had opened the door for me, letting me know that she wanted me to leave. “Please don’t do this, we can work something out, you’re just mad at me right now but I’ll call you tomorrow and we’ll talk and everything will be alright.”

She closed her eyes to stop her tears. “I’m sorry but this was the last time. I hope you find what you’re looking for, please try to get better. I love you so much." She placed her hand on my cheek, her touch was so gentle, so full of love. "You have no idea how much I love you, Clarke... and there's nothing I want more than for you to be okay. What you are doing right now is not healthy and is not really helping you either. You feel good while it lasts and then you’re back to being... I just can’t keep doing this, I need you to understand, I really tried to be what you want me to be but I can't, I’m sorry.” She placed her hand on my back and guided me outside as gently as she could before closing the door on my face.

I was shocked. As soon as my brain reacted I started knocking on her door and screaming for her. My tears started falling and I didn't know how to stop them. I begged her to let me in, to take me in, to give me a chance to do better. I started hearing the music coming out of her apartment and I screamed even louder but deep down I knew that she wouldn’t open the door. I knew that was the end. And I knew that I would never see her again. I had broken her heart far too many times.

I tried calling her every day for the next few days but she never answered. She even changed her number a couple of weeks later. I tried to be with Finn but he couldn’t stop my mind from thinking about her. I was a fucking mess and after a while, I stopped answering his calls because there was no point, he was not who I wanted. I stopped seeing him thinking that he was the problem, and I started hooking up with random people again in hopes of finding what I had with her. It was impossible. I missed her so fucking much. I slept with more than 15 people over the next two weeks and I couldn’t stop my mind from wanting her. I know that it was what she had to do and that I would have never been able to love her like she deserved to be loved. I needed her, I needed her love and her friendship but I never loved her like she loved me.

I became a zombie once again. I couldn’t even concentrate on school and my grades started dropping once again. I got wasted every single day, I took all types of drugs and I fucked everyone at parties. Nothing helped. 

A month after she ended things with me I went to a party and I met him. To this day, he still is this nameless, faceless guy. I think we must have exchanged a maximum of five words before we were having sex. I had no idea who he was but he was horny and I was lonely. I was also very drunk. I had always been very careful when it came to sex, I made sure to use protection no matter what but I guess that time I was even more drunk than usual and I didn’t notice when the condom broke. Add it to my long list of stupid mistakes.

Three weeks later I found myself buying a pregnancy test.


	2. Then, I saw you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy. Please excuse any mistakes.

_And then my soul saw you and it kind of went ‘Oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you. - Iain Thomas_

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Seeing the two lines indicating that there was someone growing inside of me was terrifying. I wasn’t ready to be somebody’s mom. I wasn’t even able to take care of myself.

I wish I could say that finding out that I was going to have a baby fixed me, that it made me realize that I was going to be okay and that everything that I had been through was worth it because of this. But the truth is that I was still a mess, being pregnant didn't change how I felt and I think it made me feel even worse because I had no idea what to do now. I didn’t want to have a baby when I was this fucked up.

The first thing I did after finding out about it was downing a bottle of whiskey. What's one more mistake, right?

And then there was the fact that I had no idea who the dad (sperm donor?) was, I couldn’t remember anything about him. It’s not like I cared about it either, I didn’t want to have to raise a baby with a stranger. I didn’t want to have a baby by myself either though. I thought about getting an abortion, I thought it would be the best given the circumstances and I got so close to doing it but at the end, I couldn’t do it.

Even though I didn't want to have a baby right now, I think that a part of me was hoping that becoming a mom could give my life a purpose.

I decided that I would have this baby when I went to the doctor and heard the heartbeat for the first time. It didn't make me forget about the pain, it didn't make me feel happy but it made me feel less lonely, less sad.

The last few weeks of my senior year were a blur, I was too nauseous to pay attention to my classes, too nervous about this baby and what I would be doing with my life after school but I was so desperate to graduate. I needed to finish high school now more than ever, I needed to get out of there as soon as possible. There was no way I was going to get better in that place that reminded me of everything I was, everything I always wanted and everything I lost.

I didn't tell my mom about the baby, I wanted to keep it to myself a little longer, just until I figured out what to do but she found out from one of her friends at the hospital one week before my graduation.

I found her crying so hard that afternoon, she hugged me as soon as I got home and told me how sorry she was for not being with me all this time. She told me that she knew about the baby and that she would do everything she could to get better for us. She promised so many things that day. I wanted to believe her, I wanted to forgive how she left me, I tried to understand that she did it because she lost him too, that she was as sad as I was and maybe even more.

But forgiving is not the same as forgetting.

I wanted to try though. I missed her so much. I told her what happened to the baby's dad and that I had decided that I wanted to be a single mom. I also told her that I didn't want to live here anymore. That being surrounded by so many memories was killing me and that I knew I would never get better if I stayed here. She apologized to me and told me that she would do everything she could to fix herself so that she could take care of us.

That day changed many things in my life. The day after, my mom came home and told me that she had quit her job at the hospital and that she was going to start therapy. She also asked me if I wanted to move to my grandma's house that had been empty since she died eight years ago. She said that she would stay with me for as long as I needed her and she promised that we would get better together. The three of us. Who would have known that me getting pregnant would be what made my mom come back?

I finished high school and the next day we drove six and a half hours to my grandma's house. I was eighteen years old, eight weeks pregnant and terrified but for the first time since I lost my dad almost three years ago, I felt okay. Not good, or happy, or excited, just okay. And it was enough.

The first week after we moved we were super busy, my mom and I tried to make this house feel like a home, it almost felt like a new beginning, like a second chance and we were trying so hard to make it work. She started cooking again, we started talking more and hugging more. She didn't smile and I could see the sadness in her eyes but there was sadness in mine, too.

We didn't talk about him because it was way too painful but he was there, in the pictures that we put in the living room, in his favorite TV show that we started watching together every afternoon and in the smell of his shirts that my mom wore to bed every night. He was always there and we started learning how to live with him but without him at the same time.

One night, my mom came home and told me that she had found a therapist and that she had had her first session that afternoon, she told me that she wasn't ready to share what happened but that she thought it had helped her and she wanted me to give it a try. I didn't want to have to talk to a stranger about the long list of mistakes I had been making in the past three years but I promised her that I would go to one session and then decide if I wanted to continue or not.

I have no idea if therapy would have worked because I stopped going after that first session. I didn't feel comfortable and I wasn't ready to open up. I started feeling the baby at that time and I remember feeling a lot better whenever the baby moved than at the time that I spent with the therapist.

It was exactly three weeks and four days when I saw her for the very first time. My mom was taking a nap and I was too bored to stay inside. I'd learned that being bored made me think about the pain so I decided to take a walk to distract myself. I took the book that I had started reading the night before and headed to the coffee shop around the corner.

That's when I saw her. I took a seat after I got my hot chocolate and I heard her laughing. Her laugh sounded so nice, so genuine. I felt very jealous, I couldn't remember the last time I had laughed like that. It had been years. I got so angry at her for being that happy. I felt like her laughter was physically hurting me. I turned around to look at her and tell her to shut up when I saw her eyes.

They were so bright and so green. She was the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Everything about her was beautiful, her hair, her eyes, her smile. She hung up the phone and I guess she caught me staring at her because the next thing I knew she was looking at me with those gorgeous eyes.

I swear that for those few seconds, I felt alive.


End file.
